Because I Wanted to Believe
by Immersion
Summary: Set after the battle between Freedom and Saviour. Kira utters words than Athrun never thought he would. Unable to get a grip on harsh reality, Athrun tries hard to move on. BEING RE-WRITTEN.
1. Chapter 1: A Moment's Madness

Hey, just to inform you, this is my first fan fiction so please don't be too harsh. I had this sudden idea in my mind to write the story. Please review.

This story sets during the battle between Freedom and Saviour.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed Destiny or any of its characters.

**A Moment's Madness**

[Athrun's POV]

Pain.

It was all I felt - gut-wrenching pain as sharp as daggers searing through me. I clutched my chest tightly, hoping in vain that the unbearable pain would stop. _Please stop. I can't bear this anymore…_ I continued pleading. But the merciless fire that raged through me ignored my continuous silent pleas. Nothing mattered to me anymore. Not the mindless battle taking place right over my head. Not even the fact that I was completely exposed to any threat from an enemy. None of that mattered. I just wanted the pain to stop.

Within the confines of my mind, the words that were key to my endless ocean of pain reverberated through me, bouncing of the walls of my mind incessantly. I groaned. _Go away. You're not welcome here. Get the hell away from me!_ My silent pleas went on and on. I refused to give myself up to the pain, the words, and the harsh reality that I knew was true but had denied. Now, nothing could separate me from the truth anymore.

The excruciating pain stormed through me again, surmounting any pain I had ever felt before. Bending over, I rocked myself back and forth repeatedly, as if it would numb the ever increasing pain. But no matter how much I pleaded or moved, the pain only intensified over time, congealing itself at my heart. Being the soldier that I was, I had gone through much pain, both physically and emotionally. Yet, why is it that, despite the numerous scars that decorated me physically seemed so much easier to bear than that of the emotional pain?

At this very instant, I knew I was in perfect health. Not a scratch that resulted from my earlier defeat moments ago. _Not a scratch._ I thought bitterly. I would willingly take any pain right now - any physical pain - to escape the fiery torture that resonated through me again and again. _Just take it away…_

The words that formed in my mind's eye appeared before me again, refreshing my clouded head and throwing images that I didn't want to see at me mercilessly.

"_Kira! Didn't I tell you to return to Orb already?" I glared at the brunette piloting the Freedom angrily. _What is he thinking? Disrupting the already chaotic battlefield like this…

"_Athrun…," he looked at me sadly before answering. "It can't be helped, Athrun. This battle must be stopped before it gets worse - "_

"_You're the ones who're making the battle worse, Kira! Do you think your interfering this way will stop the battle? That just because Cagalli flies out and demand Orb to stop will make both sides cease fire? You're making the battlefield more chaotic than it has to be!" I growled. _Why couldn't he understand?

"_It can't be helped! Do you think I want to do this?" His voice went an octave higher, fury welling in his voice. "Do you think Cagalli wants to fight against her own people? Stop being so indifferent towards her feelings, Athrun! I don't want to fight, so don't make me fight, please..."_

"_You're fighting already, Kira. Against not only Plants, but Orb as well. You're not doing any good! Just what is your objective exactly? I don't see what you can achieve! And don't," I warned through me teeth, "you even dare tell me you're doing this based on Cagalli's feelings. This is a war, not a playground."_

"_Playground? __PLAYGROUND?__" Kira's temper finally broke, his anger flowing out of him like streams of burning air. "How could you utter such cold words, Athrun? I know that this is war. I know it as much as you do! My sister's feelings are honest, to say the least, Athrun. At least she's trying her best not to turn back on her country."_

_I moved the Saviour and whipped through the air, landing a kick into the Freedom's right shoulder. "You can't lead a country based on feelings alone. And what are you trying to say? That I'm abandoning my country? Kira Yamato, in case you have forgotten, my home country is Plants, not Orb. This war will dictate the lives of many, many of whom who will suffer losses. I cannot allow one who acts on feelings alone without thinking to increase the number toll of those who will suffer."_

_Freedom somersaulted through the air and aimed fire at me, each blast shot past me by inches. "I know that many will suffer, Athrun! Don't you dare tell me that! All we want is peace. Why can't you understand that? Cagalli is trying her hardest as well to prevent her country from falling into the hands of the Earth Alliance. You, of all people, should know that! I should have known that someone like you would never understand. You're always so cold and distant towards us. Really, do you even understand anything?" Kira shot back, fury the dominant expression on his face._

"_Of course I understand! How could I not? But this isn't the right way," I insisted, my own anger welling up inside me. Cold and distant? Did he really see me that way? I shook the words away as he came charging up at me, saber in hand._

"_Then, what is? Which is the right way? With ZAFT? Stop fooling yourself, Athrun. Your allegiance should no longer be with them. And besides, do you think they'll trust you? You, being the son of Patrick Zala? They're using you. Manipulating you. Why can't you see that?" Kira snapped mercilessly. By then, I had grown very cold at his words. Kira never ever brought up the subject of my father with me. Never. He knew that I avoided any topic concerning the previous Chairman of Plants who tried to obliterate Earth to rid the world of all Naturals. The very man who died in cold blood before my very eyes as he practically begged me to annihilate all the Naturals alive. Kira knew… So why…_

"_He only wants your Power, Athrun! And once he's done, he'll throw you away like trash! I see no reason why you would want to stay with Zaft. Not unless the reason only being that you want to be… you again!" he continued on, oblivious to my growing emotions._

"_Wha-what are you saying?" I had this feeling that I shouldn't listen to his rant anymore. It was going to hurt, I was sure. And, for once, I wished I wasn't right._

"_I'm saying that you want to be Athrun Zala again! The soldier who listens obediently to whatever his superiors say. I don't want that to happen, Athrun! Stop allowing them from manipulating you! You're better than that, right?" Kira soared through the sky, dodging my ceasing fires agilely._

"_What in the world are you saying, Kira? What do you mean by me wanting to be Athrun Zala again? I am Athrun Zala. Always have, always been, and always will!" The rising anger in me swelled up at his words. _Don't tell me… that he's saying that… _I flinched at the thought and waved it away. _He'll never do that... right? _"And they aren't using me! I told you that the incident at Orb to end Lacus' life might not necessarily link to the Chairman! Why would he do that in the first place? To replace Lacus? I know what I'm doing, Kira. You're the one who doesn't know what you're doing! What makes you so sure that you're right? And, in the end, if you're wrong, can you make up for all the unnecessary lives you took? Can you?"_

"_Damn it!" Kira snarled, bringing down his saber at the Saviour, which I quickly evaded. "Why can't you understand? I won't allow you to be so indifferent towards Cagalli's honest intentions. She's your girlfriend, for goodness' sake! You're just like him, Athrun, just like your father!" The moment I heard my father bring mentioned, I stopped whatever I was doing. Every feeling inside me disappeared in an instant, leaving me breathless and cold. So cold. I didn't feel anything as he slammed my gun out of the hands of Saviour. I simply froze, not moving, not reacting. Not even breathing. I couldn't find it within myself to breathe. The very words that he had uttered had knocked the breath out of me. Strange, though. I didn't feel suffocated. I just felt... numb?_

"_Your father was cold towards you, and now you're cold towards her! Is this how you respond towards people who care for you? Athrun? I always told myself that you aren't like that, but it seems like I was wrong. This war started because of your father, Athrun. I will not allow you to follow in his footsteps by re-enlisting with Zaft. That Durandal guy is just another person like your father! He kills without hesitating! Can't you see that? They only want your bloody power! If you think that I'm going to stand by and watch you become that man, then think again! You're more than capable than anyone I ever know to turn out like him! Already you're showing brief flashes of coldness, just like him. The world doesn't need another Patrick Zala." Kira's eyes glared down at me fiercely, destroying the Saviour rapidly. By then, the Saviour was completely unarmed. "I won't allow you to turn out like him, Athrun. I won't allow it. If you're going to be so nonchalant about Cagalli as well as the rest of the Archangel, then fine. I'll have to defeat you!"_

_Every single word that came out of the brunette's mouth felt like a hammer blow to me, landing with a heavy thud into my memories, where they would stay, probably, for an eternity. My mind tried to reject them, but they stubbornly refused to go as they embedded themselves tightly into my soul. I felt myself draw in a shaky breath which ended in a small gasp. Somewhere within me, my heart maybe, a pain like no other was forming itself. _But how? I'm not hurt or anything. What is this pain...? _Kira snapped the Saviour's head off, followed by any part that could possibly pose as a threat to him. He cut everything off quickly during his painful speech, destroying everything that would not harm the cockpit of the mobile suit. I wanted him to, though. At that point of time, I wanted nothing more from him than to just aim and fire at the cockpit, where I sat within it. I wanted him to fire at me, until I was gone. Gone... The pain which, even now, was pulsing through me was not worth the life that I had lived so far. It was so painful to the point where I wanted him to make me disappear. Disappear entirely from this world._

_As the Saviour, no longer having any thrusters, fell through the air and into the ocean, I watched the Freedom look down at me briefly, before flying away to fight both Zaft and the Earth Alliance._

Looking out the window of the cockpit, I watched schools of fishes scurrying away from me as my ravaged mobile suit landed with a light thud on the ocean floor. Normally, the sight of coral and everything would have captured my attention but now, nothing could, except his words and the accompanying pain. I rubbed the purple helmet in my arms gently, not knowing what to do. I had realized that the pain coursing through me was hurt. Emotional pain. The one pain that my entire being shied away from.

Somehow, a part of me had always known that it would come to this. My father, Patrick Zala, the previous Chairman of Plants had tried to rid the world of Naturals for the mere reason of avenging his wife - my mother - Lenore Zala. Ever since her unjust death, along with the lives of thousands of others during the Bloody Valentine tragedy, he had grown cold and distant, even towards me. The anger within him finally led to his own demise by his own subordinate, a commander respected by many. I, his son, who had fought by his side, believing that he was right, had defected from Zaft to join the Archangel during the First Bloody Valentine War.

Even as I fought alongside my best friend, Kira Yamato; my ex-fiancée, Lacus Clyne; and a new but already close friend, Cagalli Yula Atha, I had never been able to shake off the guilt and horror at my father's deeds. When Cagalli's father, Uzumi Nara Atha, spoke with Captain Murrue Ramius about my father's belief that Coordinators are a totally new and superior species, the feelings that had swept through me left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I didn't agree with my father's plan to annihilate all Naturals. It wasn't right. But what could I do? Other than fighting against my very own homeland? I never told Kira or anyone else about this, but it was undoubtedly painful to have to go against my own country.

During the period of time that I had fought along the Archangel, despite how nice each and every one of them were towards me, I couldn't help but think that some of it might have been a lie. Why would strangers accept me anyway? I, the son of Patrick Zala, and also the one who had tried to kill them so many times throughout the war. Kira had realized my discomfort and had assured me that none were a lie. They understood my plight and were willing to forgive me. He had told me that no one blames me for my father's actions. In the broken state of mind at that moment, I had believed him. Until now. How could I not have believed him then? When the war ended, I had no home to return to. No family. No friends. No one except them. If I were to reject his reassurance, how was I to survive?

Even up 'till now, I found it hard to believe that anyone would possibly not hate for the mere reason that I bore my father's name. Maybe, all this time, I had always known that it was all a lie. If even my best friend - my childhood friend - could tell me that I could follow in my father's footsteps for the mere reason that I was his son, how could I possibly believe that others would not see me that way too? The staggering grief that I was feeling now intensified all the more because of it.

How was I to continue moving on, when I knew how others looked at me? That I might suddenly explode and kill all those whom I hated? Many other people had scorned me over my two years residing in Orb because I bore the name 'Zala', but I didn't mind. They didn't know me, nor me them. So, who were they to judge? Even as their words poked sharply at my heart, I had clung tightly to Kira's words. But now, the very person who had always been there for me for so long had uttered the same words that I was so prone to hearing. My closest friend seemed to have finally admitted to hating me through his actions. Was there anyone out there who didn't hate or dislike me for the mere reason that I was... Athrun Zala?

Was there?

As the staggering pain that had coursed through me finally flowed out, leaving me numb and cold, I felt logic finally return to me, my broken mind trying to clear itself of the pain and his words and try to make sense of my current situation. My mobile suit, now weaponless and completely exposed to danger, had run dangerously low in power. I wiped my face with my fingers absent-mindedly, trying to get rid of traces of water that my tears had left. I could sense the foreboding sense of loneliness engulf me as my mind cleared itself. I breathed in deeply and examined the inside of the cockpit. With no arms, legs and thrusters, there was no way I could go back to the Minerva this way. I couldn't even make the Saviour budge. I glance upwards and wondered how long it would take for the battle to end.

_How long has it been anyway? Has the battle already ended? The Archangel... Kira... Did they escape or... _Unanswerable questions stormed into my mind, each a knife to my aching head. _Hmm... I wonder what would happen if an enemy ship found me here. Would they finish off Kira's unfinished business?_ I almost wished that they would. Maybe they'd end the pain that was awaiting me in the horizon. I wasn't too hopeful though. Who would think that anyone was still alive in this pile of junk that I was currently inside, anyway? It looked ravaged enough to be ignored by any enemy ship, unless they didn't want to take any chances. I tried to keep myself busy by watching the swaying of the corals. I was afraid that the pain would come back. I'd rather be numb forever than experience that mind-numbing pain ever again.

I tried to control my shaky breaths. I knew that Captain Gladys would send someone to recover me soon and I didn't want to be found this way. I had to regain my composure before then. I didn't know how to face them after hearing Kira's words, and if I were found this way, it would make things so much harder than it had to be. I had never been strong emotionally. It was almost all I could do. Fight. Endure. Survive. I had always shuffled away the emotional pain, choosing to ignore it for my mental well-being. But who could blame me? Kira had Lacus when he had a breakdown. Cagalli was always too busy being the Head Representative of Orb. Besides, Cagalli and I weren't that close anymore since the previous war ended. I dealt with my inner battle alone, and if I chose to hide those unforgiving feelings away, could anyone blame me for that?

Even as I was focused in gazing at the water plants, a part of my mind registered the knowledge that I was going to be in pain later on. It was always this way. Think now. Suffer later. That grief that had resonated throughout my entire being earlier on would come back to haunt me when I was alone, I knew. Alone - where no one would find me vulnerable. Was that why Kira said I was cold and distant? Because I didn't display much feelings? If that was the case, he can't blame me for it. It was how I survived. A thought suddenly occurred to me that froze the blood in my body, making it colder than it already was. _What if... What if my father survived that way too? He never showed any mundane feelings before me. What if Kira's right? That I have become him... _I gasped involuntarily as the thought loomed over me. _No... No! It can't be right. I'm not... I'm not... I can't be..._

"Athrun? Athrun? Are you alright?"

I started as a familiar voice blasted through the speakers in the cockpit. _Shinn?_ I didn't answer though. I was too caught up in my newly-found revelation. I couldn't help it. I was bent over my helmet, clutching it tightly for all it was worth. Regaining my composure this time wasn't going to be as easy. The dreaded grief pushed its way through the confines of my heart again, eating away any sense of calmness within me. A strangled sob travelled up my throat and I bit my lip to stop it from escaping. The small screen before me lit up as Shinn's face appeared. I didn't look up at him, my horror-stricken gaze focused on the floor, blank and unseeing.

"Athrun! Will you..." Shinn's annoyed voice trailed off. "Athrun... Are you okay? Athrun? Athrun? Answer me, damn it!"

A small part of my mind registered his words, but I brushed it away. I didn't care anymore. How could I, when I might have realized that a part of me had become the one whom I had dreaded becoming most? The fact that I might be discovered in this state didn't bother me anymore. I didn't even know if anything could bother me anymore now. I stiffened when I felt a teardrop splash onto my helmet, followed by multiple others.

"Athrun! Damn it. I know you can hear me," Shinn's voice seemed layered with concern. _Huh? As if anyone would care about me..._

I ignored his words completely as I was immersed deeper and deeper into my ocean of pain.


	2. Chapter 2: Recovery

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed Destiny or any of its characters.

**Recovery**

[Shinn's POV]

I stabbed my sword into the enemy ship and flew off, watching it explode emotionlessly. I examined the battlefield intensely when I noticed that the Archangel, along with the Freedom, were long gone. _Huh. It seems that they escaped. _I thought in distaste. I wheeled around and started to fly back to the victorious Minerva when the small screen before me flickered and the Captain's face appeared before me.

"Shinn, are you okay?"

I blinked in confusion._ Surely she didn't contact me just to ask me this..._ "I'm fine."

"That's good. You did pretty well out there, Shinn," Captain Gladys allowed herself a small smile.

"... Thanks," I answered after a brief pause. She didn't normally do this. I wondered what was coming next.

"In any case, to get straight to the point, I want you to recover Athrun," she continued. "Don't waste any time. We don't know how he's doing in the middle of the ocean. Contact me as soon as you confirm his location."

The screen flickered and died. _That's right. _Commander Zala actually lost. _So much for being called an ace._ I shrugged inwardly and plunged into the water, scanning the ocean bed for any signs of the Saviour. It didn't take me long to locate the mobile suit. I couldn't help but feel scorn rising inside me towards the pilot sitting within the mobile suit. He, who had slapped me twice, had actually lost. And he's my commander, no less. I pushed away the negative feelings within me and tried to contact my defeated commander.

"Athrun? Athrun? Are you alright?"

No response. That's strange. I was positive that he wasn't hurt in the battle at all. The Freedom didn't even touch the cockpit. He couldn't have been hurt. Could he? I immediately connected my communication device with his, my screen flickering repeatedly before finally getting a stable connection. I glanced at the screen and almost growled in exasperation. He seemed fine. Why was he ignoring me, then? Too ashamed of his defeat, maybe?

"Athrun! Will you..." my voice trailed off.

I scrutinized the screen carefully and realized that Athrun was bent over his helmet, clutching it for all it was worth. His arms and shoulders were visibly shaking violently. Alarm shot through me as I took in the sight. I wasn't even able to smirk in satisfaction in seeing someone higher ranked than me in such a pathetic state. I didn't know why but I was suddenly terrified that something unpleasant, if not horrible, had befallen my commander. But physically, he looked fine! What was wrong with him?

"Athrun...," I choked out breathlessly, trying to hide my fear. "Are you okay? Athrun? Athrun? Answer me, damn it!"

The fear that I had been denying escaped full force and overwhelmed me with such a speed that I almost couldn't breathe. _What is this? Why am I so... afraid? What am I supposed to do?_ I didn't why but I couldn't just bring him back to the Minerva like this.

"Athrun! Damn it. I know you can hear me," I growled, biting my lip when I received nothing in response.

Some part of me told me that I shouldn't bring him back the Minerva now. But, then, what was I to do? I shook away my doubts and decided to contact the Captain when I glanced at Athrun again. I froze when I saw clear water droplets cascading down his cheeks before falling onto his helmet. _He's... he's crying? _At that moment, I realized that he wasn't going through that kind of physical pain. Relief filled me from scalp to toe when I realized that he was fine. Physically, anyway.

I took in a deep breath and watched him intensely. In all honesty, I didn't know what to do. I tried to rack my brain for an answer but if there were any at all, none of them came to my mind. I mean, what were you supposed to do when your task was to recover your fallen commander who was crying before you without saying a word? Those instructors who taught me during my time as a soldier-in-training didn't seem to find it necessary to teach me what to do in this kind of situation. _So much for thoroughness._

"Athrun," I called out, trying to make my voice calm and soothing if it were possible. "Athrun, don't ignore me this way. Do you want to stay here forever?"

I waited with exaggerated patience as I was completely ignored. His shoulders had slowly ceased trembling, though I could still see his hands shaking on his helmet. The tears that dropped out of his eyelids flowed much more slowly too. I allowed myself to sigh in relief to see my commander slowly regain his composure. I never knew that seeing someone higher ranked than me being in that state could shake me so much. I had always thought that, should I ever have the luck to see someone who had the authority to order me around behave so, I would laugh and jeer mockingly at that particular person. But now that I was presented with such a situation, I found myself rendered incapable to even look at him in disdain. Just what was it with this guy? He, from the first day we met, had always awed me, though I would never admit it to his face.

I swallowed and squinted my eyes at the suddenly flickering screen. I realized with alarm that I was going to lose my connection with Saviour.

"Come on, Athrun! Stop behaving like a kid!" I nearly shrieked at him. "Is this how you behave before your subordinate? Get a grip on yourself!"

I watched intently for an infinitesimal minute, my impatience growing rapidly. I knew I could just bring him to the Minerva, but, although I didn't know why, I didn't want to. Not this way. I jerked in surprise when he suddenly sniffed and wiped his tears away with his right arm slowly.

"That's right," I murmured soothingly, wondering what to say next when I suddenly remembered the words the grey-haired Captain from Orb had told me. That person had tried to console me after _that_ had happened. "Take deep breaths. This is Shinn, in case you haven't noticed yet. I'm here to recover you. Do you -"

I looked up in irritation as another screen flickered itself on. Captain Gladys arched her eyebrows at me expectantly. "Shinn, is something wrong? Haven't you found him yet? If you need help, I could send Rey down."

"No... It's fine. I'm just...err... caught up with my thoughts. I'll search for him immediately," I answered hastily, switching off the link between the Minerva and me without thinking.

"Why'd you do that?" a familiar but cracked voice whispered up to me.

I shifted my gaze to the other screen in surprise. _Looks like he still has the ability to talk. _I thought randomly. I cleared my throat and gave him an are-you-really-that-dense look. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion at my response. I sighed in exasperation, seeing that he was unable to find the obvious answer.

"Because of you, you dumbass," I muttered, ignoring the fact that he was my superior. "Maybe I'm wrong or something, but I just thought that you needed some time to collect yourself. I mean, do you want to return to the ship in your current state of mind? As far as I know, you might just bawl your eyes out in front of everyone, and from my perspective, even someone like you wouldn't want that."

He looked at me quietly with a strange glint in his eyes before bowing his head a bit, causing small blue locks of hair to fall over his face. He glanced at me suddenly and allowed a small smile to adorn his normally serious features. "Thank you. I really appreciate it."

"You better. I don't think that I like floating around among fishes, you know," I growled in response. I couldn't help it then. But I felt kind of... exultant that I actually managed to get Athrun to compose himself. _Who would have known the stubborn and arrogant Shinn Asuka would actually be able to achieve something like that, huh?_ I smirked silently to myself when a thought suddenly interrupted my smug mood. I observed Athrun for a moment, wondering if I should do it. Come on, he practically slapped me in the face _twice_ in front of everyone. The humiliation was something I was unlikely to forget.

I sighed dramatically. I knew I was going to give in anyway. _Damn it... This guy... He's making me as soft as... him! Ugh._ I cleared my throat again to gain his attention. As he looked up at me with those emerald eyes of his, I muttered, "When you think that you're calm enough, call me. I'm just beside your mobile suit. Let me tell you though, if I can't contact you, I'm bringing you back to the Minerva immediately. Che. The communication lines here are crap." I looked him in the eye briefly, before switching off the screen.

I sighed again for the millionth time today. I thought over the battle that had occurred previously to Athrun's defeat. It was kind of weird. I was so busy exploding the enemy ships that I didn't get to see his battle with the Freedom carefully. But, Athrun... He's Athrun Zala, the former ace of Zaft who destroyed the Strike, the most powerful mobile suit then. How did he lose so easily? From what I heard, he was an ace through and through. His speed, moves and everything about his combat skills were considered unbeatable. So, what was this? Was it possible that his 'amazing' skills had deteriorated over the years?

I shook my head violently and folded my arms. That guy was downright mysterious. It was bad enough that he was my commander, but to actually be defeated by none other than the Freedom? I doubted that the battle even lasted more than five minutes. I tapped my feet impatiently, reminding myself that he needed a moment. I wondered what could possible have happened to knock down his barriers that way. _Hmm... The Freedom... He must be one of the reasons why. Athrun couldn't possibly have broken down that way because he was defeated. I mean... He's my bloody commander! That damn pilot of the Freedom would really pay if I found myself without a commander suddenly..._

Honestly, I didn't know why I even cared. Athrun and I had mostly fought. There was never a conversation between us where we wouldn't clash. But I couldn't bring myself to hate him. His words were, in a way, righteous, as much as I hate to admit it. I felt kind of bad for him, sometimes. Especially when that annoying blonde Atha had hurt his feelings unintentionally about the fall of Junius Seven. I wanted to hate him as much as I hated Atha. I mean, why the hell was he her bodyguard? In Orb? But, I knew, deep inside, that he was suffering as well, though that fact didn't bother me at all when we were falling out.

I muddled over the scene that he had displayed towards me a moment ago. I was more alarmed than I should have been. It's not everyday I see a commander or anyone bursting into tears before me. And, of all people, I never dreamed that it would be him either. A commander... I knew that, in actual fact, I respected him and was in awe of his presence. Something about him made me calm, and that was what infuriated me the most. But, to get back to the point, it was almost frightening to see him that way. I always believed that he, being Athrun Zala, both my commander and superior, would always be better than me, wiser than me, stronger than me. Nothing could possibly shake him. He was, more or less, untouchable. But, I was proven wrong.

To think that the one person whom I actually looked up to could possible break down that way, it made me feel helpless. And angry at the Freedom for making him this way. I scowled and glared balefully at the fishes before me, almost wanting to incinerate them in my annoyance. All of a sudden, the screen before me flickered and Athrun's face appeared, seeming quite calm and collected. I directed my glare at him, not surprised that he didn't flinch like other people normally would. Hey, I wasn't being unreasonable. Maybe I was venting my frustration on him, but he was one of the reasons as to why I was so furious.

He arched an eyebrow at me curiously. "I think," he hesitated. "I think that I'm... ready now." I simply looked at him blankly, not knowing how to respond. He tilted his head and continued, seeing that I wasn't going to reply. "Shinn, I want you to know that I'm really grateful towards you and everything. I would never have expected this out of you."

"Of course you wouldn't," I muttered sullenly. "You know, you could have told me this later on. It'll just make it all the more awkward between us when we're in the changing room." I placed the Impulse's arms carefully around his ravaged mobile suit and headed back to the ship.

"I... might not be able to tell you all this later on. Even if I were to tell you, I would only be able to after a long time," he gazed at his seemingly precious helmet, refusing to meet my eye.

I frowned in confusion. What did he mean? I gave up trying to figure him out and turned my attention to nothing in particular. "So, you sure that you want to return to the ship now?"

"Actually, no. But let's just go back. I wouldn't want the fishes to die of horror in having to endure your glares," he answered.

I felt both a flare of irritation and relief at his words. He really seemed to have gotten a grip on himself. "Yeah, me neither," I played along. I contacted the Minerva and requested permission to enter. After gaining permission, I placed the Saviour down gently and righted the Impulse before getting off. I observed Athrun getting out of his mobile suit and found myself amazed._ That guy... He was crying just minutes ago and now, he's walking towards the changing room with such... grace? Elegance? _I couldn't find the right words.

He held his purple helmet in his right hand as he jumped off the edge of Saviour, landing with a light thud on the floor. I studied his face but couldn't detect anything that would betray his calmness. I scowled at his ability to be so collected. _Why can't I be like that?_ He started moving towards the changing room without a backward glance, with me following suit.

[Athrun's POV]

I changed into my Zaft red uniform silently, my back facing Shinn. Having almost mastered the art of hiding my innermost feelings in front of others, I was positive that nothing in my facial expression showed anything that I didn't anyone to see. I refrained from thinking over everything that had happened. As usual, I would wait until I was alone. Again. I heard Shinn slam his locker shut just as I closed mine. I paused, not knowing how to face him.

With my hand on my locker, I simply stared at the wall. I could feel his gaze on me but I didn't move. What the hell was I supposed to do? Smile, talk or maybe I should just ignore him. But that would be wrong. He helped me for goodness knows why and if I ignored him, I would be such an ungrateful idiot. I couldn't bring myself to smile either, not after what had happened. Taking a deep breath, I turned to face the raven-haired boy.

"Shinn," I began, avoiding his eyes. I was positive I would lose it if I so much as look at those flaming red eyes.

"What?" He folded his arms nonchalantly.

I clenched my fists tightly. _Let this conversation end already. It's dead awkward trying to speak to him now. _"I -"

"Shinn, Commander."

_Rey?_ I tilted my head slowly and saw Rey entering the room. I nodded in response as relief flooded through me. Great. Now, at least I could escape without feeling so suffocated. It was weird how much I bothered over this kind of confrontation when I had so many other things in my mind.

Rey brushed his gaze against mine and visibly relaxed. "I'm glad you're fine, Commander." He shifted his gaze towards Shinn. "Shinn, that was good work out there."

"Thanks, Rey," Shinn smiled, his features brightening considerably. I always found it strange that Rey could actually take him in hand so easily. "Rey, where's Luna?"

"She's in the infirmary. Broke an arm. She's doing pretty fine, though. Just needs some rest," he answered smoothly, seeming unperturbed at Shinn's horrified expression.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and started for the door. "I'll be in my room," I informed them, eager to escape the company. I strode out without waiting for a reply.

I sighed dramatically. I could hardly believe that Shinn Asuka, the ruby-eyed teenager who kept defying my orders, had actually given me a hand that way. I knew that despite being socially awkward, he was actually a kind, caring but hot-tempered person. But never did I ever find it necessary to think that he would do that for me. I had thought that he would have mocked me at the least.

I entered my room and leaned against the wall, pulling my knees against my chest. I placed my chin on my knees and wrapped my arms around them. I could feel the breakdown that I had shuffled off 'till now building inside of me. I closed my eyelids and waited slowly, allowing my heart to burst open as the layers of ice I had built around it melted like ice too close to fire.

Just as the unforgiving feelings burst forth and racked through me, I heard the door open, much to my horror. The ache in my heart pounded against my chest repeatedly, washing away the slight indignance that I felt at the intrusion.

"Athrun?"

I sucked in a deep breath. It was Shinn. I lifted my chin somewhat and muttered hoarsely, "What is it?"

The silhouette standing by the door stood frozen for an infinitesimal minute before taking a few steps forward. I averted my eyes as he bent down beside me.

"Athrun, are you... Are you okay?"

My eyes pricked strangely at his words. It had been a very long time since anyone asked me that. I couldn't remember when was the last time anyone bothered to see if I was alright. I was never alright, and no one had seemed to care. So, I had taken it in my stride and endured going through my life alone; suffering alone; crying alone. I felt a tear slide down my cheek as I looked away, not knowing how to answer.

"Do you...," my voice cracked. "Do I look okay to you?"

I felt him study me silently as I struggled to hold in the hurt. After an infinitesimal minute, he took a few steps forward as the door closed and bent down beside me. He looked away and leaned against the wall as well without saying a word, the silence enveloping us like a shroud.

"Why are you here?" I finally broke the silence.

He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "I don't know."

"Is that so?" I whispered. "Please leave the room, Shinn. I need to be alone."

"No... I won't, and you don't. You don't _need_ to be alone, Athrun. You _want_ to be alone. And you know what? I'm not going to help you fulfill that wish."

My head snapped up and I peeked at him through the locks of my untamed hair. With all the emotions that were pulsing through me, I found it hard to concentrate on his words. "What are you going to do now, then?"

"I'm going to stay here until you tell me what happened, that's what."

"And what makes you think that I will tell you anything?" I asked, disbelief colouring my tone.

He looked at me through the corners of his eyes and shrugged. "Because you will, eventually."

"As if I would," I muttered. "It doesn't have anything to do with you, Shinn."

"Yes, it does," he snapped. "I think that, after seeing my all-so-mighty commander in this state, I deserve an explanation."

"Well, as your commander, I'm saying that you're not going to get any explanation," I hissed.

He glared at me for a minute before he visibly relaxed, his shoulders slumping by his side. "Well, I'm not leaving until I get one."

After going through the battle with the Freedom, my tolerance snapped under the pressure that was pressing on my shoulders. "And why would you want to know? To satisfy your curiousity? I am deeply grateful for your help earlier on, but that doesn't mean that I'll tell you anything."

"It's not for the mere reason to quench my curiousity, Athrun! I'm doing this because I want to know what could have possibly happened that could put someone like you into the pathetic state you're in now."

"Exactly! And I'm asking you why you want to know," my voice strained on the last word. I didn't think I could exercise self-control much longer.

"Whether you like it or not, I'm going to stay put until I know what happened," he retorted. He frowned, watching me flinch under his gaze. "Look, Athrun. I'm not here to gloat over your situation or anything. I'm doing this because I'm worried. It's not everyday I see anyone, much less you, crumple like that. If you want to talk about it -"

"And why would you even care?" I interrupted, fury quickly replacing the grief inside me. "Why would you? There's no reason why you would even be here! Except for the reason that you do want to taunt me."

"What the hell do you mean?" he asked me exasperatedly. "And do you think I'm that low? That I'll actually feel _happy_ over my fallen commander? Maybe I'd scorn him but I wouldn't be _happy _over it."

"It doesn't matter. Damn it! Why can't all of you stop lying to me? Stop pretending to be nice to me. You'd just make it worse than it already is."

"I'm _not_ pretending! What is it with you, Athrun? Why in the world would I pretend?"

I glared at him, my anger boiling full force. "Because I'm a Zala, that's what! Stop pretending that I'm not a monster or something. I know all of you hate me to the core."

He stared at me, confusion evident in his features. "And why would we hate you? Because you're a Zala?"

"Exactly that! Because I'm just as capable as my father was to try and annihilate anyone that I hate. Because no matter what I do, I'll always be a replica of him! So, stop treating me like I'm human! Because I'm not. I might just follow in his footsteps and there's nothing I could do about it. I know how all of you look at me. All you see is... him."

Shinn suddenly grabbed me by the collar and brought our faces nearer 'till we were inches apart. "Stop spouting rubbish already, Athrun! What the hell happened to make you say all that crap? So what if your father did all that? You're you, Athrun. What he did has nothing to do with you. You're not him. You're two separate individuals who have two different ways of thinking."

I narrowed my eyes at him as tears started to escape from my eyelids. "Stop lying to me! You're saying the exact same words that he did! Why can't all of you just tell me the damn truth already? Am I so incapable that I'm not allowed to know?"

The ruby-eyed teenager tightened his grip on my collar, cutting off my air entirely. "I've had it with you and your crap! What I'm saying is the truth. You're what you make yourself to be! If you think that you're your father, then you are. But if you think that you're you, then... you're you! Athrun Zala and Patrick Zala are not the same person. A parent's actions alone do not decide their children's actions. It can affect the actions but it doesn't decide it. You being strong-willed, determined, righteous, and even hopeless... All those traits... They're what it means to be _you_. Your feelings and everything, none of them belongs to your father. Do you understand that? Athrun Zala?"

He shook me violently and waited for a response. I clutched his hand and struggled against his grip. He widened his eyes when he realized I couldn't breathe and let his hold on me go immediately. I gasped as the air I was once deprived of rushed into my lungs. I tried to regain my composure as I took deep breaths but my incessant tears betrayed me.

"Stop it," I whispered. "Stop saying all that to me. If... If what you're saying is true, then why did he say it? Why?"

He flicked his eyes at me and placed his hand on my shoulder. "Athrun, I know that maybe I really have nothing to do with this. But, I want you to tell me. What happened out there?"

I felt his gaze on my face and I hesitated. I inhaled deeply and told him slowly about what Kira had said. As I finally delivered the last word, I sighed. I wiped my tears away, only to have my cheeks drenched again in the onslaught of tears. Shinn appeared horrified at my words, his hand having stiffened at my shoulder.

"Athrun," he suddenly spoke up. "You told me that many had told you those very same words that that asshole had spoken. Why are you so affected now?"

"Why wouldn't I be affected, Shinn?" I swallowed painfully. "He was my best friend. It was one thing to hear a stranger utter it and another thing entirely when the person whom I had known since I was four or five to tell it to my face. He was the person who knew and understood me the best. If even he could tell me that, how could I believe that none of you hate me?"

A strangled sob escaped my lips before I could help it. I shrugged his hand off as I re-wrapped my arms around my knees again, hiding my face from him as I buried my face in between them.

"Look, Athrun. Don't believe a word that bastard said. He's no friend of yours. You have to pick yourself up. Trust me, none of his words were true."

I lifted my head to take a look at him. I wanted so badly to just give in and believe him, like how I believed Kira. But... what if it turned out to be a lie again? I didn't think I would be able to live anymore.

He looked me in the eye and then did the one thing I would never have dreamed that he would do. He shifted his body to face me and, after a brief moment of hesitation, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. My mouth opened in a wide 'o' as I was pulled tightly against him.

Before I had the chance to speak after getting over my initial shock, he spoke up quietly. "If you want me to get the hell out of your sight, tell me now. I'll get lost and I'll never appear before your eyes again if I could help it. Trust me, I don't find any joy in doing this either," he hesitated. "The only reason as to why I'm doing this is because, when I lost my family, this was what I wanted the most. To have someone to be there for me and would comfort me whenever I needed it. So, just... just do whatever you want. I'll leave when you want me to."

My eyes widened considerably as his words entered my ears. For the first time in more than two years, I cried my heart out in the presence of another.

Please review. :)


	3. Chapter 3: Importance

Hello again~

To answer Latias24's question, this is an AU.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed Destiny or any of its characters.

Enjoy! :)

**Importance**

[Kira's POV]

The bed creaked as I tossed uneasily. A sigh escaped my lips. I twisted around and shut my eyes tightly, hoping that I would fall into a deep slumber to rest my aching limbs. It was in vain. It had been at least four hours since I crept into bed, exhausted after the day's events. Sighing again, I stretched my legs and sat up, hugging them.

How ironic. I had never forgotten this position of mine on my bed. How long was it? Six? Seven years ago? I remembered all too clearly how I would freak out in the middle of the night, thinking that there was something under my bed. Like most children who had developed the same fear as mine, I would be unable to fall asleep, too afraid to even open my eyes. This irrational fear of mine began since the moment I was born, I was sure. I couldn't remember a night when I was young that I wasn't crying into my bed sheet.

But all that crying stopped when _he _came. When he came and changed my life. His appearance just made all the difference. The first time I saw him, I had thought that he was one of those rich, stuck-up kids who thought the world of themselves. The only thing that was missing was the arrogant air that should have been around him. He walked into the classroom with a kind of grace that I had never forgotten; how he placed each foot with not a stride neither too big nor too small before him; how his left arm swung lightly by his side with his right arm clutching his bag; and most of all, I would never forget how his cool, soft emerald eyes grazed mine as a bright smile danced across his lips.

He had this friendly attitude which made him fast friends with anyone he met, including me. Being the shy and timid person I was, I found it hard to make any friends. It was during our half hour break when I was eating my lunch alone at a secluded corner. I didn't know if it was sympathy or just out of curiousity that he actually left the group of friends he was playing with and came to join me. He was the first close friend that I had ever had.

Whenever I was bullied or afraid, he was always there for me, patient and kind. I remembered how afraid I was when I punched in the numbers that would call him at night. I was utterly convinced that there _was_ something under my bed.

_[Flashback]_

"_Kira? What's wrong?" his cool voice was unsurprisingly alarmed. It was about 2 in the morning after all._

"_Ath-Athrun..." I sniffed._

"_What is it? Come on, Kira. Spill it already!"_

_I hesitated. "I-I think..." I gulped and the words rushed out of my mouth. "I think that there's something under my bed!"_

_I could hear his steady breathing on the other side of the phone as I waited for his response. Suddenly, I heard muffled laughter. I was aghast. His friend was freaking out over the fact that something might lunge out at him without warning and he was _laughing_?_

"_Athrun! It's not funny! My life is in peril, you know!"_

_His ceasing laughter erupted into a new round of giggles. I scowled as he slowly regained his composure._

"_Okay. Okay. Relax, Kira. There is absolutely _nothing_ under your bed. I'm positive of that. If you're not convinced, why don't you poke your head and peek if there's some one-eyed furry monster under there?" he suggested in a solemn voice that would have made me laugh if I wasn't having an anxiety attack._

"_You want me to POP MY HEAD UNDER THERE? What if it grabs my head and eats me for dinner!" I all but shrieked._

"_I was just kidding, Kira," he laughed infuriatingly again. "Do you want me to come over?"_

"_Would you?"_

"_Of course I would. My mum wouldn't mind. She knows that I have this incurable sense of kindness and compassion inside me that's just longing to burst out."_

"_Yeah, right..." I agreed sarcastically._

"_Come on! Surely you see this kind, compassionate, caring, selfless and so much more person in me!"_

"_So much more being proud and arrogant, you mean."_

"_Of course not. In any case, you must be really happy to be friends with me, huh, Kira? Well, I'll be down in a few."_

Athrun Zala. He was my best friend. Not once did he make my nightmare come true. I used to have this nagging feeling inside me that constantly reminded me that he wouldn't be my friend for long. That, one day, he would be bored with me and find some other new friends. I mean, who was I anyway? Just some shy kid who didn't have anything in common with him that I knew of. Yet, he befriended me, choosing to stay by my side instead of all the other friends that he had become acquainted with. He never left my side until the day he was forced to return to PLANTs.

He had given me Tori, a mechanical bird which I was deeply fond of. It was an object of sentimental value. He had never tried to hurt me in all the time that I knew him. Not intentionally, anyway. The day that he had ended Tolle's life, he wasn't in complete control of himself. He was the ideal friend that anyone could possibly want. Yet, I had hurt him in a blind fury.

The small screen beside my bed lit up suddenly, displaying the Captain's face.

"Kira-kun," she smiled. "You're awake. Would you please come here for a minute? We have something to discuss."

I was already on my feet as I replied. "I'll be there in a moment."

"Kira, you're here," the pink-haired songstress greeted.

I nodded and moved to stand beside her. "Where's the Minerva?"

Murrue-san took a sip of water from her cup before replying. "I'm not sure. In any case, this is not the reason why I called all of you here. It's been such a tedious time for all of us. So, I thought that we should all relax while we can."

The rest of the room occupants (Cagalli, Lacus, Milly and etc.) smiled at the Captain's suggestion. All but me. I couldn't bring myself to smile now. Not after what I had done.

"What's wrong, Kira?"

I glanced at Cagalli and offered her a small smile. "It's nothing."

"Right... And I'm not Cagalli Yula Atha," she snorted.

"It's really nothing. I'm just tired, I suppose."

"Kira," Lacus looked at me with her probing, soft blue eyes. "Are you thinking about Athrun?"

I hesitated. It was just like her to guess the problem spot on. "Well, yeah..."

"It's okay, Kira. You had to take him down. I'm sure he won't blame you in time," Lacus soothed.

"But I said some words to him that day. Harsh words that he didn't deserve to hear. I don't think that he'll ever forgive me."

"What did you say to him?" Cagalli prompted.

I rubbed my forehead wearily, aware of dozens of eyes on me. "I told him that... that he had a higher chance than anyone I knew to follow after his father's footsteps because he was a Zala. I can't... I can't get the image of his hurt face out of my mind. He looked so shattered," I whispered.

The room lapsed into silence.

"Why?"

My eyes flicked to Cagalli as she stared at me, horror-stricken.

"Why did you do that?"

"I was angry with him. H e just couldn't understand," I answered dully.

"And, so you tried to force him to understand? By using such a despicable method?"

"Cagalli, he isn't happy with what he said either," Murrue-san interjected. She turned to me and asked, "Kira, what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know. But I do know that I _will_ try to make it up to him someday." _Even if it's the last thing I do_, I added silently.

[Athrun's POV]

Three long hours. That was how long I had been cooped up in my room after Shinn had left. It would have been fine if I had something to do but even my laptop held no interest for me. I groaned. I never knew why I became so energetic after every time I cry my heart out. I mean, don't people usually feel utterly spent after crying for so long? I cried for more than 2 hours, for goodness' sake!

I wanted so badly to go out and have a walk maybe, but what if I ran into Shinn? I grimaced. It would be undoubtedly awkward between us if we bumped into each other. It certainly didn't help that both of us were socially awkward. Well, in Shinn's case, he covered that problem by getting on everyone's nerves. As for me, I simply pretended that nothing was amiss if I ever lapsed into silence in a conversation.

I groaned inwardly. I couldn't do this anymore. I jumped off the bed and proceeded to the dining room.

[Shinn's POV]

I made my way into the brightly lit room, conscious of the scowl upon my face. I noticed Luna and Meyrin near the other two guys.

"Are you okay, Luna?" I asked when I saw the cast on her left arm.

"I'm fine. Shinn," she hesitated. "Have you seen Athrun anywhere recently? I heard that he was taken down. But I didn't know that the Saviour was that messed up."

I hardly glanced at her as I pulled out the can drink from the machine. "Athrun? He's probably moping in his room right now. You know, he's not really all that strong. Maybe he was once upon a time but he certainly isn't anymore."

There was no way I'm going to even let them suspect that I was being nice to Athrun about his fall. I wouldn't be able to bear the sheer embarrassment alone.

"So maybe I'm not. What are you going to do about it?"

I swiveled around and found the green-eyed teen walking in nonchalantly. I could have sworn I heard amusement ringing in his words.

"Athrun-san! Are you okay?" Luna exclaimed suddenly, probably to prevent us from squabbling.

"Pretty fine, thank you," he answered, a bright smile lighting up his features. Well, that wasn't something you saw everyday. He didn't usually smile that way. Che. Doesn't he think that there's a better time for him to smile that brightly? That idiot just lost a battle!

"Of course you're fine," I muttered, glaring at him. "Aren't you even ashamed appearing before your subordinates after being defeated like that? If I were you, I wouldn't appear before anyone for the next decade."

"Shinn!" Luna said anxiously, her eyes on our commander.

"Che. _Commander_," I mocked.

He eyed me curiously as he walked pass to buy himself a drink. "Well, at least this commander of yours didn't kick someone without any reason just because he's in a bad mood. Or landed himself in detention for refusing to come on time for training. Or make things difficult for everyone just because he didn't want to drink Sprite instead of Coke. And, I'm pretty sure this seemingly useless commander didn't refuse to comply with a superior's order just because he wanted attention," he said solemnly.

I felt heat rush into my cheeks as he spoke. "What are you talking about? I never did that!"

He arched an eyebrow as he sipped his water without a care in the world. "Never said you did. Or are you admitting it?"

"I'm not!" I protested. "Ugh. How the hell did you become our commander?"

"By not doing all those things that I mentioned," he answered in amusement.

"Are you saying I'll never be able to reach your rank?"

"No, I'm not. Not unless you're admitting that you did do all those."

"Damn it! Can't you shut that mouth of yours for once? If I could go back in time, I would have left you in the ocean!"

"Nope, I can't shut my mouth. It simply longs to move and I've no idea why. And no, you wouldn't have left me there. You simply don't have the heart," he teased.

"When did you become so annoying?" I snapped in irritation.

"Since I found out that you actually had the nerve to hit someone when we were on our offshore break. How am I, as your commander, going to answer to the complaints?" he held up some pieces of paper in his left and waved it into my face.

I ignored the papers and glared at him. "So, worried about your image, huh?"

"I doubt there is a person alive who doesn't care about his image. In any case, this isn't what I'm worried about. How am I supposed to deal with this matter without getting anyone in trouble?"

"I don't know. Maybe throw the person who complained off a cliff or something."

"Right. Nice idea," he said sarcastically. "Why don't you do the honours?"

"In your dreams. You're the commander. Your responsibility."

"You just said I wasn't cut out to be your commander. I must say, your standards must be really high since your commander isn't allowed the option to fall at all."

"Yeah, and you don't rise up to the expectations," I sneered.

He shrugged. "More so than you anyway. I'm pretty satisfied with that already."

"I didn't lose to some pilot out there like you did!"

"Ah, but it wasn't _some_ pilot out there. He was the pilot of the Freedom."

At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to take anything hard and solid to throw into his face. My temper only sharpened when I saw Luna and the rest giggling madly.

"What's so funny?" I growled menacingly.

Luna shifted her awed gaze from Athrun to me before bursting into a new fit of giggles. "Oh, come on Shinn!" she gasped in her amusement, trying to catch her breath. "I can't help it. It's just so... so funny!"

"As if it is! Whose side are you on?" I muttered.

"Seriously, Shinn. You need to wipe that scowl off your face once in a while. You'd look kind of nicer, you know that?" that commander piped up.

I was about to mouth a retort when I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I turned as Rey walked past me to the machine. Everyone was quiet as he helped himself to some tea.

"Well, Shinn," he suddenly spoke up, locking his sky blue eyes with mine. "It seems as if both you and Commander are having a nice time -"

"No, we're not," I interrupted.

He stared at me as a small smile crept into his features. He slowly turned to Athrun. "Commander, I hope you're not too discouraged by your fall previously. The Chairman has heard of the battle and knows of your... predicament. I'm sure you will receive a new mobile suit soon."

"The Chairman knows already?" Surprise evident in his green eyes. "That was fast."

"Yes, he contacted the Minerva just moments ago and was told of the battle. He asked for you to be told that you should not give up. As long as you continue believing in your beliefs, you would be sure to see the world you long to see. Those were his exact words. In any case, the Freedom did wrong by taking you down like that. We will not let something like that go without a fight. If you were at unease in fighting him, leave him to Shinn and me. Despite him being your ex-comrade, his reason for fighting is wrong. The Chairman wishes for the best for everyone and yet, he cannot see that. I hope that you will continue fighting without being affected by this setback. Though, from what I see," he flicked his gaze towards me. You seem pretty unaffected by that battle."

I couldn't help but snort at that. "Yeah. And I'm a girl."

"If you insist on being one, then I cannot say otherwise," Athrun smiled teasingly, before focusing his attention on Rey. "I've more or less forgotten that battle. And, yes. I won't stop fighting."

Rey nodded. "That is good, then."

[Lunamaria's POV]

I stared at the two teenagers bickering in both disbelief and amusement. I had thought in dreaded horror that they would start fighting. Violently. But I was proven wrong. Who would have known Athrun could behave like that? I must admit, I like him that way. It makes him seem more as a friend than a commander.

I couldn't help but think that the battle had something to do with Athrun's change of attitude. I wonder why. That pilot of the Freedom... It's that guy Athrun calls 'Kira', right? The scene that I had seen a few weeks back of Athrun confronting the crew of the Archangel replayed in my mind. I did try to follow the Captain's advice to forget all of it, but I couldn't.

Who was the Lacus Clyne working for the Chairman? Athrun didn't seem that surprised when that Kira mentioned her. He _knows_ that the Chairman is lying. But why would the Chairman lie? It was understandable if it was for political reasons. But the real Ms. Clyne was almost killed.

I sighed. I wasn't going to be able to figure it out. I just have to put a vast amount of trust into the Chairman and in Athrun to do the right thing. I was just another average soldier, after all.

_**CONDITION RED ISSUED. CONDITION RED ISSUED. ALL PILOTS SHOULD STAND BY THEIR RESPECTIVE UNITS. I REPEAT, ALL PILOTS SHOULD STAND BY THEIR RESPECTIVE UNITS.**_

I looked up in alarm as everyone scattered to get into their respective positions. The screen near us switched itself on.

"Athrun, I know that you are without a mobile suit right now. Although, I'm not in the position to command you, I hope you will stand ready to give them advice should they need it," Captain's voice blasted through the speakers.

"Yes, Captain," Athrun replied. He turned to us and smiled. "Well, I'll just give you guys moral support. Ask me if you have any... questions. All the best."

I smiled gratefully at Athrun as Shinn, Rey and I made a beeline for the changing room.

[Athrun's POV]

"Oh, Captain?" I asked slowly.

"Yes, Athrun?" she looked at me expectantly.

"Who are we fighting against?"

I felt my eyes widen in dismay as she answered, assessing my reaction carefully. I lowered down my head, my untamed hair falling across my face.

"Are you okay with that? I know it's hard to accept, but there's nothing we can do about it. Do your best."

With that, the once brightly lit screen switched off, a foreboding colour creeping across it.

_Kira..._

_We're about to engage in battle with the..._

_Archangel and the Earth Alliance._


	4. Chapter 4: Thoughts

Hello again. Sorry for the late update.

Disclaimer: I do own Gundam Seed Destiny or any of its characters.

**Thoughts**

[Athrun's POV]

_Kira Yamato._

I stood glaring at the enormous windows that stood just outside the changing room, taking in the sight of the Impulse already heading straight towards the Freedom. I arched an eyebrow in curiousity. That was weird. He ignored the enemy mobile suits that he passed by completely. _Guess the Freedom's too much of an eyesore for him._

Even as I watched the two mobile suits clash in a sudden fiery battle, I knew Shinn would lose. Unless something completely unexpected happened. I wasn't really worried though. Despite what Kira said, I believed that I still understood him enough that he wouldn't hurt Shinn. And even if he tried, though I really doubt it, I'd try my hardest to intervene.

Now that I think about it, I wasn't sure whether I wanted Kira or Shinn to win. Shinn had helped me a lot lately. I knew that it took him a huge amount of effort to throw away his pride and help me that way. I didn't think I would have been able to do that for someone I barely knew. As for Kira, his words still rang deeply into my ears but I still cared for him enough not to want him to lose. Kira may have mercy against his enemies, but I couldn't really say the same for Shinn.

I frowned. I had a lot of thinking to do. As usual. I couldn't remember a day when I wasn't speculating about something particularly complicated. My head had cleared a lot after crying so hard. Other than the shame that accompanied me in actually bawling my eyes out before my subordinate, I felt kind of calm and... strangely happy. I made a silent promise to myself to try and treat Shinn better. Maybe the day would soon come when we would finally be able to talk with each other without any antagonism and with pure friendliness instead. The idea of a friendly Shinn seemed improbable at the moment but I still believed.

The Freedom dodged a beam neatly which blasted constantly from the Impulse as the latter quickly dived in and took out its sword, going for the close range attack.

Even as I watched their battle intently, my thoughts flew on rapidly. It was probably like what Cagalli had commented about my thoughts a few years back - like a hamster running in its wheel.

After what had happened with Kira, I had begun to start questioning myself. How much did I know Kira exactly? I knew him since the day we were both small little kids who knew nothing of the world. Ignorant and happy. Kids who would laugh delightedly at a flying balloon or anything that seemed funny to any kid out there. During all the time that I knew him, I had thought without a doubt that I knew him the best. He was my best friend. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think he would say all those to me. Now that it had happened, I honestly didn't know what to think.

The all too familiar emotions that had consumed me just a few hours before began climbing up slowly but I pushed them away. This wasn't the time to wallow in self-pity. It was time I began to think about why Kira said all those to me. After all, I had detected some hints of truth in his words that I couldn't deny.

The distant memory of Kira demanding to know why Lacus was attacked by Coordinators flashed in my mind's eye. I had never really thought about it but I knew it meant that something _big _unknown to everyone was looming somewhere. It was definitely possible that the Chairman was involved. But if he was, it would put everything into a new light. Everything I had done thus far, it would have been... wrong. If Lacus' assassination wasn't under the Chairman's orders, it might have been from a terrorist group.

I sighed. I understood why Kira suspected it was the Chairman's doing. After all, with Meer suddenly appearing after the failed assassination attempt, it wasn't surprising in the least that he thought the Chairman was to blame. I knew I had to try and figure out who were behind it, but I couldn't possibly walk up to the Chairman and ask, right? _Well, this is not going to be stroll in the park..._

Then there's the question of my allegiance. I had truly believed in the Chairman when I re-enlisted. Although I had found the prospect of fighting again saddening, I really believed that I was doing the right thing. Now, a small tinge of doubt was tugging at the back of my mind. When I had re-enlisted, I had not known the situation with Lacus. If I had known beforehand, I didn't think I would have joined Zaft just yet. Like Kira, I would have waited to find out the Chairman's true intentions before I did something like rejoining Zaft. But would I have agreed to fight alongside Kira? Intervening in another's fight? Was what I'm doing now right?

I couldn't find the answer to that.

Why was it that it was always like this with me? Always, _always_ I find myself questioning my loyalties, my beliefs in doing what is right. During the first Bloody Valentine War, I had followed my heart and defected from Zaft. Was labeled as a traitor and was tried for my actions. Now, if I ever find out that the Chairman was lying, what would I do? Defect? Again? The mere idea of doing so made my insides tighten as if an icy fist was clenched around them.

I didn't want to think of it anymore. But, let's face it, I had to. I looked back and remembered what I had uttered to my best friend - maybe I'm no longer his, but he's still the closest and best friend I ever had.

"_And, in the end, if you're wrong, can you make up for all the unnecessary lives you took? Can you?"_

If _I_ was wrong, would I be able to make up for all the unnecessary lives _I_ took?

No, I wouldn't.

But I couldn't just fight blindly out there! I joined this war to make a difference, to help to stop this hatred-filled war as soon as possible, to prevent as many people as I could from suffering. But, what if the ones I'm fighting are the ones that I should actually fight alongside with? What if I'm actually feeding the fire, not wiping it out? In the end, would it be better if I just stepped back and simply watch? I wouldn't make it worse, but neither would I help. What, exactly, should I be doing?

At this moment of time, as I watched my ex-comrade and comrade fighting each other, I couldn't help but think that I'm just a burden to everyone. Kira was a person who wouldn't antagonize anyone for anything. I knew, or wanted to believe, that he didn't say all those because he wanted to. Maybe he did it to force me to actually really think about I should be doing. But, even now, I couldn't find the answer. I had so many questions, yet not even one had an answer. Even if there was, it certainly didn't conveniently pop out before me.

Shinn already had his share of suffering. I could hardly believe I had actually troubled him with my own problems. The words that I had uttered did not only seem to bewilder him, they bewildered me as well. Did I really believe that I was my...father? Of course I knew we were two different individuals. Maybe I just lost myself in my moment of grief that I didn't even know what I was saying.

Another sigh escaped my lips. I seem to keep making excuses for myself. I hated this part of me. Always almost immediately thinking up of an excuse every time I did something wrong or...strange. I especially hated the fact that I was always uncertain in what I should be doing. This...indecisiveness really had to go.

Right after Shinn had left the room, I had pulled myself grudgingly onto the bed - I was really stiff after staying in the same position for more than 2 hours. As per normal in my case, my thoughts had completely kicked in as I did a full reflection on myself. It was a habit that I had, that after every time I had a breakdown, I would reflect on everything that I did and on myself as well. And since I rarely had one, the reflections were often long and tedious. Like, hey, reflecting on oneself is not easy. Having to put one's perspective in a totally new light.

One thing for sure, I had to work harder. Put my priorities into order. The first thing I had to do was find out if the Chairman was in the wrong. Though it seemed most unlikely. To do that, I couldn't just confront him. I furrowed my eyebrows as a plan began forming in my mind.

I had decided.

I would confront Meer Campbell.

[Shinn's POV]

"You BASTARD!"

My throat was sore and hoarse from all the shouting and screaming. Really, there should be a...fridge or some sort placed inside this machine. I was damn thirsty. It was a pity that even a Coordinator would go thirsty after shouting so much. Well, the eyes made up for it. Mine didn't even feel tired after glaring at the pilot of the Freedom non-stop during the entire battle. Not that a Natural's eyes would grow tired at glaring someone.

I narrowed my eyes as the Freedom flew under me and aimed for my gun. "You think you can get me that easily? Huh?" I growled as I quickly evaded and took out my sword again. It was a good thing the Impulse was a machine, or it would have grown tired at switching weapons all the time. "Think again, you arrogant asshole!"

I aimed my sword at his machine, carefully trying to avoid his cockpit, and pushed the gigantic sword in. Unsurprisingly, his agility kicked in full swing as he parried the sword away before blasting his thrusters to put in distance between us.

"You're not getting away from me, you selfish jerk! You know what?" I shrieked wildly as I went after him. "I almost lost my commander back there! And it's all your bloody fault!"

The Freedom paused for a second and the small screen flicker on as his annoying face appeared before me. Black rage built up inside of me, nearly suffocating me in its sheer amount.

"YOU BASTARD! WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD DISPLAY THAT MORONIC FACE OF YOURS BEFORE ME, HUH? YOU SON OF A -"

"Wait!" he suddenly spoke up, both of us pausing briefly during our once intense battle.

"Athrun... Was he injured? Is he -"

I found myself torn between feeling both incredulous and pissed off at his bluntness. "You have no bloody right to ask that!"

I felt within myself the same searing rage that always swept through me during every battle that I participated in. The rage that kept me alive and clear-headed. _You're not going to escape this time, you heartless jerk._

I feinted to one side and lurched to another, trying to confuse him, before I brought myself nearer to him, my sword at hand. As his mobile suit started to fill my field of vision entirely, Rey's face appeared on the screen.

"Shinn, get back to the ship. The enemy is withdrawing."

I glanced at him distractedly. "What?"

"Head back to the Minerva. We are under orders to fight back unless they fire at us," he repeated patiently. "The enemy is withdrawing, Shinn," he added, seeing my blank stare.

"Oh," I said slowly, realization sweeping through me. By then, the Freedom had already pulled away from me without my realizing it.

"Oh," I repeated, my eyes widening in denial. "What the hell? I-I almost got him!"

Rey's sky blue orbs gazed at me calmly as he smiled. "Yes, you did," he nodded approvingly. "I'm sure you'll get him next time, Shinn. Although, you seem to have not noticed, our ship is quite badly damaged. We only have two operating pilots now, after all."

I frowned. The ship was badly damaged? I tore my gaze from his face and fixed them on the Minerva instead. Horror filled me as I took in the sight. The ship wasn't badly damaged. It was damaged through and through!

"Well, let's get back to the Minerva. I'm sure you're tired as well," the long haired blonde suggested.

I nodded and followed him as he headed for the ship.

I clutched my helmet in my left arm as Rey, Luna and I strode towards the changing room. Luna had greeted us as we came out of our respective mobile suits.

"Shinn! How did you do all that? It's like...as if you suddenly turned into an ace suddenly!" Luna exclaimed excitedly.

I glanced at her and frowned. "You said that the last time as well."

She sighed exasperatedly. "Didn't you see yourself just now? You -"

My frown deepened teasingly. "And how am I supposed to see myself?" I interrupted.

"Whatever, Shinn. But you were _amazing_ today! You totally surpassed every other battle that you had been through!"

"I didn't even take down a single mobile suit today. And I 'surpassed ever other battle'? You've got to be kidding me," I retorted.

As Rey and I walked towards the changing room, I noticed Athrun sitting down on the couch, his back towards me. I shrugged inwardly and followed Rey in.

[Athrun's POV]

I folded my arms and leaned back against the couch, the overpowering sense of exhaustion tugging at the back of my mind. The tiredness that I should have had hours ago had finally caught up me, demanding that I close my eyes and rest. I resisted, though. A part of me groaned at the idea but I wanted to wait for Shinn. There was something I needed to tell him.

Thinking that it wouldn't hurt, I closed my eyes and sighed. It had been such a long time since I could just sit or lie down and rest. It would usually take me hours to fall asleep. Sleeping scared me sometimes. Even after the first war had ended, whenever I closed my eyes, a nightmare would flash before me - images of people I killed, those that I had lost and loved, the destruction of Junius Seven and the moment my father took his last breath. During some part of the night, I might wake up gasping for breath. The nightmares became less frequent after some time, though they never left me waking up in terror for less than twice a week.

The moment my eyelids shut, I couldn't seem to open them again. The unbearably strong desire for sleep overpowered my frail resistance as I fell quickly into a deep slumber.

[Shinn's POV]

I stretched my arms as I left the changing room, intending to head straight towards the dining room for a long-awaited meal. Rey stood outside with Luna, both staring - Luna in awe, Rey in curiousity - at something.

"What are you guys looking at?" I asked curiously, my eyes immediately following their gazes.

Athrun filled my field of vision. Confusion swept through me at that. What was so weird in seeing him sitting on a couch? I took to standing beside Rey and realized why they were staring at him. He was sleeping.

"Are you guys crazy or something? He's just sleeping," I muttered.

Luna started and looked at me wildly, her mouth opening and closing. I noticed a blush creeping across her cheeks and... I nearly lost it.

"Don't tell me you actually... _Him_?" I asked incredulously.

She gasped. "I do _not_! Stop giving me crap, will you, Shinn?" She hesitated, glanced at our commander briefly and literally ran out of the room.

Rey watched in amusement, watching her retreating back before staring intently at Athrun again. A tinge of annoyance tingled in my veins as I observed this.

"What about you? Are you in love with him too?" I snapped.

A small but distinct smile crept across his features. "You aren't jealous, are you?" he asked, nearly throwing me off balance at his abrupt question. "Just kidding, Shinn. It's not everyday you see him -" he gestured towards our commander "- that way."

"Right," I agreed sarcastically.

Rey shrugged. "I'm going to the dining room. Coming with me?"

I hesitated. I wanted to eat and _drink_ badly but somehow, a part of me told me not to leave just yet. "Nah. I have things to do first. You go ahead."

He nodded, a knowing look in his eyes, and left the room.

I settled down beside Athrun and couldn't help but look at him. His arms were folded in front of him, gently moving as he breathed in steadily. I had thought that he appeared calm almost every time we met. But now, his face had an expression of pure calmness. When I compared his previous expressions that displayed calmness with the current expression on his face, his previous ones seemed somewhat similar to a nicely hidden scowl.

I thought about my options as I flicked my gaze towards the clock. I could wait for him to wake up, though I would probably wait for hours. I doubt he would wake if a tornado blew the roof off. Another option was that I wake up him up, but I could barely bear to move in case I woke him up. Of course I could always walk out and talk to him another time. I mean, what was I going to say anyway? 'Hey, you look kind of human when you're asleep?' I shook my head aggressively. What was I doing here?

I took one last look at him as I finally made a decision. I stood up and started to walk towards the door. That is, until my right foot suddenly slammed into the table, causing my face to suddenly meet the cold, hard floor. I groaned as I recovered from the shock of falling. I heard a shuffling from behind me but ignored it as I felt my head throb with a dull ache.

"Damn it," I muttered.

"Couldn't even watch your step?"

I looked up and a hand appeared before me. I narrowed my eyes in irritation but I accepted it anyway. He helped pull me up, before asking if I was okay.

"I'm fine," I snapped, my temper already flaring up. _Why did I have to fall before him of all people?_ "Thanks," I added grudgingly.

"My pleasure," he grinned, a laugh threatening to erupt from his mouth.

I turned away from him and settled on the couch, rubbing my sore temple. I ignored the older teen as he carelessly flopped down beside me.

"Well, that was some battle out there," he began. He looked at me for a second, as if trying to decide if it was worth mentioning. "Why did you ignore all the mobile suits except for the Freedom?"

I locked gazes with him. _He noticed that? What the hell?_ I tore my gaze away and stared at the clock, its second hand ticking slowly. "I don't know. Maybe he annoyed the hell out of me?"

I felt him staring at me intensely but I resisted the urge to turn. "Really? I see," he finally said. "What did he do, anyway? To antagonize you to the point where you actually ignored the ship's welfare?"

I felt heat rush into my cheeks as he spoke. "I did not! I just didn't notice it. Besides, if I fell back to help the ship, that damn pilot would have -"

"Would have stopped and let you go. Don't lie to me, Shinn. You _know_ he would have done that." He arched an eyebrow at me expectantly.

"Fine! I was angry at him, alright! That anger completely clouded my mind! I couldn't think. I didn't even _know_ that the ship was in bad shape. If I knew the ship was in real danger, I would have gone to help all of you!" I growled exasperatedly.

"Okay," he said slowly, assessing my reaction carefully. "And why were you angry? With him?"

"Must you push it?" I snapped. "What's so strange with me or _anyone_ else in particular getting angry with an enemy in a war? Don't tell me you've never felt angry with anyone during the previous war?"

I expected a retort but none came. Curiousity overwhelmed my pride and I turned to look at him. The irritation and slight anger that I had felt moments before fell away instantly when I saw his expression. Different kinds of emotions were sweeping through his face. Sadness, anger, loss, longing, and more sadness. A few other emotions appeared that I couldn't quite place. Envy? Hope?

He slowly pulled himself together, a small smile stretching across his face. "Of course I was, Shinn. Who could possibly go through a war without feeling angry at someone for one reason or another?" he whispered.

_He's not going to... He's not going to break down again, is he?_ I thought in horror. He glanced sideways at me and I sighed in relief. His composed mask was back on his face.

"You haven't answered my question. Why were you angry with him in the first place?" he prompted.

I rolled my eyes. So much for relief. "Alright, alright," I held my hands up show that I surrendered. I took a deep breath. "I was angry at him because he very nearly took you away from us."

He continued staring at me, his face drawing a complete blank. "But I'm... alive. I wasn't in danger whatsoever. Well, you get what I mean."

I sighed again. "You're such a dumbass, you know that? That bastard left you defenceless against any enemy that could have found you in the ocean! And the probability of that happening was very high! Do you know, if any enemy had found you, that you wouldn't stand a chance? No one would have been there to help you!"

I waited impatiently as realization finally dawned on him. "Oh... I see," he suddenly grinned. "Didn't know you cared that much, Shinn."

My eyes narrowed dangerously. "Shut up, you idiot."

"Oh, and yeah. Why do you sound so hoarse? You sounded fine this morning."

It was my turn for my face to draw a blank. "Uh..."

His grin grew wider as he figured out the obvious, much to my annoyance. "You were shouting a lot out there, weren't you? What were you shouting? To actually have your voice grow hoarse after about only 2 hours?"

When I didn't answer, he laughed delightedly like a little kid. The sound perked me up a bit, it being the first time I ever heard it. "What?" I stared at him when he didn't continue.

"Let me guess. You were shouting... expletives?"

"Yeah, and what about it?"

"You sure have a wide range of vocabulary."

"Thanks so much," I said drily.

There was a slight pause between us as he shifted to look at me. I locked gazes with him as his expression became dead serious.

"Shinn, I have something important to tell you."

* * *

Sorry about the fighting scene. I'm totally useless when it comes to fighting scenes.

Please review! It would really boost my morale to know that people are actually reading my fan fic.


	5. Chapter 5: Friends

This chapter sure was painstaking to write. I couldn't seem to decide the course of events, whether I should put this event before the other.

I sincerely thank all the wonderful readers who took the time to review. :D

Even one review could make my day. I love you all~

The holidays are here, so I probably have more time to write, though I can't confirm it. I have to go school so many times that I almost lost count, and when I do go, it's for the entire day. Please be understanding. There may be times where I'll update maybe, at most three times a week, while other times, there _might_ not be any updates for an entire week or more.

I realized that both Chapters 3 and 4 have a _lot _mistakes, and are quite poorly written. I'm thinking of re-writing the entire two chapters. What do you think? 0.0

And all hail long chapters! Should I make the chapters long or short? I prefer _reading_ long chapters but writing them is an entirely different story. This chapter is actually only half of the supposed chapter. I thought of finishing the entire chapter, but if I did, I wouldn't be able to update 'till after the next three to four days. I have school for the next three days. *groans inwardly in despair* So, it's either this or nothing at all for some time.

Let me warn you, this chapter is rather boring but is necessary for the future chapters.

Hope all of you enjoy reading this chapter~

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed Destiny or any of its characters.

**Friends**

[Athrun's POV]

"Did I tell you that I hate you?"

I cocked an eyebrow in amusement, suppressing the urge to smile. I shook my head, my dark blue hair flailing wildly. Shinn pressed his lips together and pointedly stared ahead. I nearly chuckled at his reaction but stopped myself in time when he shot me a dirty look.

"Come on, Shinn. It's not _that_ hard," I said soothingly, hoping to lighten his mood.

The dirty look on the younger teen's face immediately turned into an all-out glare. "Easy for you to say."

This time, I couldn't stop the laugh that erupted from my mouth at the sulky tone that he used. I bit my lip as he muttered a spew of colourful words and quickened his pace simultaneously.

"It's not easy, you know," I called teasingly at him. "Think about it. My very life had been controlled since the day I was born. I didn't exactly have a say about things that concerned my future."

Shinn snorted, not bothering to even glance over at me. "You were born with a silver spoon. With all that money, you could get whatever you want."

"Yeah, I could," I admitted slowly. "Be it food, clothes, games, CDs, or whatever. I didn't even have to get out of bed for breakfast if I wanted. But, when I think about it, it wasn't the kind of life that I wanted."

Shinn stopped mid-stride but continued when I was level with him. He tilted his head to look at me at the corners of his eyes.

"It didn't matter to me if I could have all those luxurious things. Maybe, if I had been born into a... less wealthy family, I might actually crave or want all those. But, I know _now_ that those things aren't important," I continued. "I found it hard finding friends when I was young. Well, I had many, you could say. But define 'friends'. Most of them hung out around me because of my father," I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and went on, "and, trust me, just because they were kids didn't mean that they weren't capable of such things."

I paused briefly. "I managed to find a friend though. A real friend. He was sensitive, kind, caring, emotional, childish and, well, everything a friend should be. In any case, I was engaged when I was thirteen. I -"

"Thirteen? And you agreed?" Shinn exclaimed, disbelief evident in his eyes.

I snorted. "Like I said, I didn't have a choice. At that time, I hadn't even met her in person before. But I was really surprised, though, when I found out that Lacus was my fiancée. To get back to the point, do you really think you want to live the life I had led? I hardly ever saw my dad; he was always at Plants working. In fact, there were times that I didn't see him for over a year. And, I feel kind of ashamed, you know, 'cause I felt... happier when he wasn't around. I suppose I felt that way because I didn't know him well. The only things I knew about him were his name, that he was my father and his job. As for my mom, she was the only kin that I knew who was close to me."

I glanced sideways and the corners of my lips curled upwards. Shinn seemed to be at a loss for words. His expression was so torn between shock and disbelief that he almost looked comical. "So, uh...," he began hesitantly. "I suppose you're very close to your mom. How is she?"

My eyes widened fractionally. I inspected his face and knew that he didn't mean any harm by asking that. Nevertheless, it didn't stop me from feeling upset at his words. I tried to keep a straight face and stared ahead. "She was one of the victims of the Bloody Valentine tragedy," I said emotionlessly.

I heard a small gasp and the sound of footsteps behind me faltered before stopping completely. I turned around to completely face him. This time, I could detect hints of guilt on his features.

"It's okay, you know," I smiled, though it didn't reach my eyes. "It already has been about three years. People who aren't close to me are bound to forget."

It was common knowledge to both the people of Plants and Earth that the wife of the late Chairman Patrick Zala had fallen victim to the tragic disaster.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

I took the few steps that separated us and tugged lightly at his arm. "Come on, let's go."

He hesitated but fell into step as I started walking again. "You haven't answered my question," I prompted after a few minutes of awkward silence.

"Which one?"

"_That_ one. I only asked you _one _question." I rolled my eyes.

Shinn frowned. I could bet my first salary that he had completely forgotten about it. A few minutes passed and he still hadn't replied. I sighed.

"Do you really think that my life was one that you wanted to have?" I finally asked.

"Oh, _that_ one," Shinn nodded absent-mindedly. "Well, after thinking about it, the answer is... no. I mean, no offense, but that kind of life sucks. I would never agree to an arranged marriage, especially not at that age. Though I wouldn't mind having breakfast in bed," he added thoughtfully.

I chuckled softly. "Hey, enough about me. You haven't told me things about yourself."

He looked at me in surprise. "What's there to know about me? Don't you know everything already?" Seeing the blank expression on my face, he continued, "I used to live in Orb, led a completely normal life, that is until..._ that_ happened."

I didn't have to ask to know what he was talking about. I patted his shoulder lightly, shaking my head. I could tell from his sudden change of tone that he still hurt just by talking about it.

"No, not that," I changed the subject. "I don't know what you like or anything. What's your favourite food and colour? Your hobby? What do you like to do in your pastime?"

Shinn snorted. "What am I? Your boyfriend? Why do you need to know?"

"Well," I tried to find the right words. "Like I told you previously, I didn't have many friends. I don't _need_ to know but I _want_ to know. I don't really have much experience with this so I'm using the... direct approach," I said awkwardly. _What am I saying?_

I cleared my throat. "You can just say I'm curious. Aren't friends supposed to know about this kind of things?" I asked, and added softly, "We're friends now, right?"

The black-haired teen looked at me, startled at the abrupt question. "Yeah, we're," he answered after an agonizing minute of waiting. Much to my surprise, he laughed.

"What's so funny?" I demanded.

"I didn't know you were so... ignorant of such simple things," he smirked teasingly. "I suppose you're right. Friends _should_ know, though I don't think that it's very important in a friendship. But, from what _I_ know, only a boyfriend or a girlfriend would ask his or her partner the way you did."

I could feel heat forming in my cheeks. "You can't blame me for that. I didn't know."

"Of course I don't blame you. But, seriously, do you ask _all_ of your friends that?" Shinn asked curiously.

"Well, uh...," I hesitated. "Yeah..."

A smile threatened at the corners of his mouth. "I see. Who were they?"

I was about to voice out 'Kira' but stopped myself in time. "Lacus, Rusty and Nicol."

"Only three? I understand that you had to be friends - engaged -," he amended, "with Miss Lacus. Then that only makes two," Shinn exclaimed in amazement.

"Yeah. I told you I had only a few friends. As much as I hate to admit it, my life was pretty lonely. Kind of hard to make friends when you're not sure of their real intentions." _Especially after the war had ended._ I added silently.

"Where are these two people now? This Rusty and Nicol."

I grimaced. Shinn seemed to be asking the questions I would rather not hear or answer for the rest of the lifetime. I really didn't want him t o feel guilty anymore, but I knew that if I lied, it would do neither of us any good. So, I tried to answer only part of the truth. "They were my comrades during the previous war."

"Oh. What are they doing now?"

I groaned inwardly. Looks like I had no choice. I managed a small smile and looked at him apologetically. "They didn't survive."

I felt a pang of regret the moment the words left my mouth. Guilt shadowed his features as the words sank in. His mouth opened and closed, unable to form any coherent words.

"It's okay. You really didn't know," I said soothingly.

He bowed his head, his dark hair obscuring his face. I heard a faint sigh escape his lips. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. I should have known not to."

I sighed as well. I sucked in a deep breath. "Well, hey, you haven't answered my ques_tions_ this time," I said cheerfully.

He glanced over at me gratefully. He seemed to think about it for an infinitesimal minute before answering. "Well, I like the colour green, because it's the colour which represents nature best. I'm not really fussy about food, as long as they don't taste so bad. I absolutely detest vegetables though," he stuck out his tongue. "They taste horrible."

Both of us came to a stop outside the dining room. We had agreed to grab something to eat before discussing about the task I had given him.

"I'm not hungry anymore," Shinn sighed and feigned wistfulness. "Your request completely took away my appetite."

I arched an eyebrow in confusion. "But you were the one who asked me to come here first to eat with you. And you asked _after_ I made the request."

He pouted childishly. "Fine," he muttered curtly.

I grinned and was about to enter when he suddenly pulled me back roughly.

"What?"

The latter seemed uncomfortable as he shifted from foot to foot. "Well, uh... why don't we talk about the uh task first?"

"Why?"

He looked at me impatiently. "There's no particular reason." Seeing what must have been disbelief on my face, he insisted, "It's really nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing to me," I retorted.

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Athrun. Let's go," he muttered as he began walking pass the dining room.

I stared at him in confusion, but fell into step soon after. "Where are we going?"

"Outside. It's easier to talk there without having anyone hearing us."

I nodded skeptically, wondering what exactly was on his mind. Silence enshrouded us as we walked, none of us speaking. Usually, I would feel kind of strange and awkward, but this time, I felt calm and, well, normal. I marveled at my sudden ability to feel this way. This rarely ever happened. The only past occurrences were during the times I was with Kira, Rusty, Nicol, Lacus and Cagalli. I suppose I could include Dearka and Yzak in but we spent most of our time together either fighting or conversing sarcastically. That time the three of us visited our fallen comrades, it was actually the first time we ever had a decent conversation.

As I mulled over this, I felt the sudden spark of curiousity burning inside me again. I eyed the teen beside me until I gained his attention.

"What?"

I felt the smile that had gradually formed on my face widen. "You haven't answered all of my questions yet. What about your hobby? Your pastime? And, what's your favourite book?"

[Shinn's POV]

I was mildly amused at Athrun's questions that he bombarded me with as we made our way through the immense ship. I answered as truthfully as I could. I was pretty amazed that he had actually asked all of these to his friends. And I thought the former Zaft ace was actually cool and everything. I looked back and nearly sighed in relief that he didn't question why I had insisted that we don't enter the dining room. I mentally threw my head against the wall in punishment that I had actually forgotten that Rey and Luna were inside.

As we took a step outside, I felt a sudden gust of wind tug at my hair. We stood next to the railings and stared at the open ocean. The sun was slowly descending towards the ocean, its bright rays giving the water a strange, ominous colour. I marveled at the sight, appreciating the beauty that was before me. Much to my dismay, the times that I could simply stare at nature's beauty was becoming less and less frequent. Instead, I had to spend more of my time on the battlefield, kicking the crap out of all my enemies.

"So, you do remember what I told you a moment ago, right?"

I gazed skywards and took in a deep breath. "Yeah. I do. But, I still find it hard to believe..."

"Yeah, I didn't believe it initially. Though I did suspect something was definitely wrong."

I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering how to reply. "Well, hey, let's forget about it. She's probably just another one of those lovesick people out there." I shrugged carelessly.

He looked at me skeptically. "If you say so."

I knew with a sudden certainty that I wasn't going to get a better time than this to talk to him. I took one last glance at the ocean before turning all of my attention to him.

"Athrun, we need to talk. I know we had agreed to look more into the task but, right now, what I have to say is more important."

His cool, emerald eyes grazed against mine and I could see the mild surprise in them. He kept silent and I took it as an affirmative.

"You are wavering, aren't you?"

I simply stared at him expressionlessly as he took a step back, probably taken aback my abrupt question.

"Shinn, no... I-I... I don't know," he sighed, his face bleak with confusion.

My lips thinned as I took in his words. "I see. Athrun, listen to me. Don't listen to any crap that bloody Freedom told you, you understand me? He's lying, and even if he really does believe in his so-called justice, than he's wrong. He has _no_ idea on what he's doing. I know his words hurt you and you're no longer sure on what _you_ should be doing. But, think about it, Athrun! Have you thought about the consequences on what that moron had done? I know he hardly ever kills out there. I know he's choosing to become some sort of angel who dismantles mobile suits instead of just killing off the pilot. And, yeah, I admit, I kind of admire him for that. For his benevolence. But, it doesn't change the fact that he's fighting for the wrong things.

"Like, seriously, what can you actually get by interfering in a battle? He's not only fighting our enemy, but us as well. If he's trying to get the battle to stop, then he already failed; he just created more havoc!" I was about to list more out when Athrun lifted his right hand up to stop me. I narrowed my eyes in having been interrupted but stopped anyway.

"Shinn, I get your point," he started, but I didn't believe him somehow. He may look convincing but his expression sure didn't match his tone. "Maybe they are simply trying to break the treaty between Orb and the Ear -"

"That's crap!" I growled. "That stupid blonde did try to make Orb stop, but did they stop? No, they didn't. Just what the hell do they want to do now, huh? Interfere in every battle just to show people that they're powerful? I don't give a damn even if they were once the war heroes who stopped the previous war. It doesn't change the bloody fact that we lost many Zaft soldiers on account of them. And it doesn't change the fact they are being ridiculous and impulsive! By fighting both sides, nothing will change, except make both sides hate them to the core. And, yeah, I hate them too.

"I know, maybe I don't have any right to say this. Maybe they are doing this for some unknown reason that might actually make their actions reasonable. But, at this instant, I _do_ know that they are our enemy. If they really want the war to stop, the first thing they should do is make their intentions clear. Who are they fighting against? Why are they fighting? And, probably the most important of all, get Orb to break the treaty. Use force if necessary. They heard what the Chairman said. If they need help, we can help them, if our goals are the same. And, our goals _are_ the same, if they aren't lying. We are fighting to _end_ the war. To eliminate the cause of the war. But, their doing this, doesn't this show that they want something else?"

Athrun looked at me impassively. I had the distinct feeling that he was hiding something from me. I brushed away the uneasy feeling and continued, "Maybe, you do know why they're doing this more than I do. But, just think about it Athrun. Look at us. Look at what _we've_ done. We helped so many people. Be it Coordinators or Naturals. I know not many people like Zaft, but I think we're certainly better than that asshole and his ship," I paused, and added softly, "If ever the time comes when you doubt yourself and your actions, then think about what we had done, and compare it with his actions. And then decide for yourself who it is you should be fighting against."

In actual fact, I didn't know where all those words came from. I had just intended to knock some sense into him but not utter a speech that long. I shook my head slightly. Just what in the world was wrong with me? I scrutinized my commander's face and could see that he was obviously having a mental war within himself. I almost sighed. As far as I knew, sighing could become my pastime. I looked at the ocean again and waited patiently for him to re-collect his thoughts together.

I really couldn't understand why Athrun was so unsure on his path. I mean, Zaft was right. The Chairman _is_ right. What the Freedom and the Archangel were doing was completely unnecessary. So what if they fought both sides during battle? They aren't stopping the war at all. I knew that I had to, at least, make Athrun see sense. I understand that they were once his comrades and maybe he didn't want to believe that they are his enemy. Still, he has to accept it sooner or later. I didn't know if what I said made any sense. I have never been good at advising people or anything, but I hoped that he would understand the meaning of it. If he didn't, I'd just try again.

"I really can see your point, Shinn," Athrun suddenly murmured.

If he had not been emotionally shattered, I would have sneered derisively at his words. Instead, I asked emotionlessly, "Really? Then why are you still so unsure?"

A sigh escaped his lips as he paused. "I don't know. But I'll try to take your words in mind."

"Yeah, right," I muttered.

I suddenly felt my hair being ruffled. I turned to look at Athrun indignantly. "Hey!"

"What?" he asked innocently.

When I didn't deign to respond, he chuckled. "Relax, Shinn. Hey, I wanted to ask you this for a long time," he paused, searching my face. "Do you like that blonde?"

I felt incredulity and rage sweep through me in an instant. "What? How can -"

Athrun quickly held his hands up and shook his head. "Wait! I didn't mean that blonde as in Cagalli but -"

This time, I found myself feeling dumbfounded by his question. What was he asking, anyway? I steeled myself and deadpanned, "You think I like Rey, don't you?"

The green-eyed teen lifted an eyebrow in amusement. "No, I don't think that," he said, his smile threatening to widen at the corners. "I'm actually talking about that girl... Stellar, was it?"

'Oh' was the only thing I could muster. I could feel my cheeks burning with such intensity that I wished I could find a hole and drop inside, where no one would see me again.

I shifted my foot uneasily. "Well... I guess so," I admitted.

I swore if I had a gun, Athrun wouldn't still be alive. He had that same dazzling smile on that face of his which was seriously annoying the hell out of me. His green eyes were shining with some sort of triumphant emotion that I couldn't comprehend.

"What's wrong with you?"

"It's nothing. I just suspected it all along. And, well, someone once told me I would never be able to distinguish between such things. It's kind of nice to prove that certain someone wrong," he shrugged.

I rolled my eyes. "I never knew my 'cool' commander could be such a kid."

Athrun laughed again. I was quite surprised at this. He seemed to become happier as the day went on. He didn't even laugh once before the Saviour was taken down.

_**THIS IS THE CAPTAIN SPEAKING. ALL PILOTS ARE TO REPORT TO ME IMMEDIATELY. I REPEAT, **_**ALL**_** PILOTS ARE TO REPORT TO ME IMMEDIATELY. **_

Both of us looked up at the sudden message which blasted through the speakers, demanding our attention.

"Let's go. The Captain needs us," Athrun said almost lazily.

"You're included as well?"

"I suppose so. She said '_all_ pilots', did she not?"

I merely nodded as we headed quickly for the Captain.

* * *

[Athrun's POV]

"Do you see the urgency of the situation?"

All of us - Shinn, Rey, Lunamaria and myself - looked up and nodded. The Captain looked at every single one of us sternly, emphasizing on the danger that awaited us in the horizon.

"But, why? Why would they do such a thing?"

I tilted my head and saw the burning flames of rage glinting in his eyes. I lowered my eyes and felt the same rage course through me. Why would people do such things? Hadn't the previous war taught us enough not to repeat the same mistake ever again?

"I don't know, Shinn," Captain Gladys said gently. "But, it is our duty as Zaft soldiers to wipe out the cause of the massacre as soon as possible. Many lives have already been lost. I trust that all of you will do your best in this upcoming battle. This is one battle we must not lose."

The four of us saluted and started to file out of the room.

Silence fell over us like a shroud as we made for the pilots' room. The upcoming battle was one that would determine a lot of lives. Even as I thought this, more people were falling victim to the heartless Earth Alliance. I clenched my fists at the thought. _Damn them. Damn them for taking away each second of the innocent lives that they stole._

My mind started taking on a rather insane edge, wanting nothing more at the moment than to punish those responsible personally for the current massacre. I sighed, unable to keep it in any longer. Three heads turned towards me at once but I pretended otherwise.

We soon reached the room designated for pilots only. I trudged pass them and settled on the couch, frowning as I thought over everything the Captain and Shinn had said. Lunamaria sat down not far from me, wisely keeping quiet.

Shinn was right, in a way. The Earth Alliance certainly was our enemy. It was the _right _thing to do, wasn't it? Look at them now! The Earth Alliance had almost completely destroyed western Eurasia. All those lives... They were gone, and they weren't ever coming back. _Kira... Who should I be fighting against? Why is it that I still can't find the answer? Who should I believe at this moment of time? You or Shinn?_

Shinn and Rey entered the room again, each holding a helmet in their hands. I shifted slightly to look at them.

"Be careful out there. This is the first time we ever came across such a thing," I said emotionlessly.

Rey nodded whereas the ruby-eyed teen simply stared at me.

"Shinn, remember what I told you. Don't feed that impulsive nature that you're so prone to having," I continued lightly - though I was dead serious - knowing that I certainly was going to hit a nerve. And I did.

"Of course I won't, Commander," he muttered curtly.

As they left, I waited with exaggerated patience as the Minerva continued on to Berlin.*

* * *

*It's the battle where the GFAS-X1 Destroy was taken down by the Freedom. I intend to allow the same thing to happen, and since all of you already know the outcome of the battle, should I write it still?

As I'm sure you've realized, my skills at writing fighting scenes aren't exactly what I would like to call even mediocre. The only difference between the fight in the anime and the one here is the interaction between Shinn and Kira. Nothing else will change.

I know this chapter is rather boring but both Shinn and Athrun have to become closer to each other. I don't know about you guys but I find reading something like 'They had become rather close with each other after that particular incident had occurred' rather depressing.

The chapters to come after this will set the story into motion. Finally. And I haven't written exactly what Athrun told Shinn. Do you think you can guess?

And, of course, the first thing you should do now is click on the 'Review this Chapter' right in the middle of the screen. Review please! Feedback and criticism are appreciated to better improve my writing. Thank you~

~ Immersion


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